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It’s certainly no secret that lack of intimacy is one of the top issues reported by married couples today. It is also evident that the lack of sex occurring in marriages today is usually due to the woman’s decreased libido. Most women report a significant decrease in sex-drive following the birth of their first child.
So what’s the problem? Aren’t women in their thirties supposed to be hitting their sexual peak? Then why is it that they are faking headaches, going to sleep early, and spending half the day trying to come up with new excuses to avoid their husband’s desire for sex?
According to a recent report by the experts on WebMD , the lack of libido in women is usually psychological. So with this in mind, we need to examine the mental/emotional state of the women who report having little to no sexual urges to determine what is happening. Although there are several reports and studies published on the subject, I thought it would make sense to speak to these women directly and see what they have to say:
“Jennifer”, age 34, mother of 2 states that her sex drive “left my body with the baby.”
As a matter of fact, 18 of the twenty women I interviewed for this article reported an immediate decrease in sex drive following the birth of their first baby. Of course it can be argued that hormonal changes following pregnancy can be the culprit here, however, while most of these women report that their complete disinterest in sex persisted a year later and more, it is likely that it’s not all about the hormones! Within a few months following the birth of the child, a woman’s body has healed and her hormones are back to her pre-pregnancy state, which leaves us with the obvious changes in the woman’s life as the most reasonable cause for the steady decline in sexual appetite….becoming a mother!
So, what exactly does this mean? Why is it that being a mommy correlates so heavily with our lack of interest in love making? The top complaints of the mothers I have interviewed coupled with the research I have done on the topic leads to the following list:
FATIGUE: Yes, it’s true, having a baby is EXHAUSTING!!! You are no longer getting the amount of sleep that you need and you have completely given up sleeping through the night. My oldest is nine and I swear, I haven’t slept through the night since the day he was born! Every free moment we have is all about the children, tending to their needs, playing with them, caring for them, and figuring out the juggling act of balancing life while meeting the needs of the child. Downtime in front of the TV, with a good book, or even a short nap went out the window the minute we arrived home from the hospital. Most new mothers report little to no “rest time” as they use whatever time their child is napping or playing to “get things done” and report feeling “guilty” just lying down and taking that much needed break!
LOSS OF “SELF”: For most women, when they become a mother their whole life becomes about taking care of the children. The biggest mistake that we make is that when we slide the children into that number one spot on the priority list we remove ourselves from the list entirely. Why not just shift ourselves down a notch or two? Why stop taking care of our needs altogether? It’s what we do and this does start to take a toll on us emotionally and physically. When we lose touch with who we are as an individual and as a woman, we begin to find it difficult to see ourselves as anything other than mom. We no longer connect with our inner urges, desires, passion, and needs. If we start to function as an entity existing entirely to satisfy and care for others, then we lose touch completely with who we are and what we want. Sex for women is almost entirely mental. We crave sex when we are in a healthy place emotionally and feel close to our partner. However, if we have lost touch with who we are as an individual, this slowly begins to destroy the emotional intimacy that we have with our spouse. We start seeing ourselves, instead of what was once a romantic relationship, as now just “mom and dad” and there is nothing sexy about the interaction anymore. Furthermore, if we aren’t taking care of ourselves, this does tend to lend itself to why moms will “let themselves go” physically. They no longer feel sexy and confident since they aren’t spending the time that they used to working out, eating healthy, and dressing up. Many moms claim they stopped wearing makeup and doing their hair like they used to. And when we don’t look sexy, we don’t feel sexy…thus we have no desire to act sexy!
Kerri, 29, mother of 2 stated, “I don’t wear makeup anymore. I wear a ponytail every day. All of my nice clothes are in the back of the closet. I live in t-shirts, sweats and the same pair of old jeans. I just figure what’s the point? Where am I going besides Gymboree and the supermarket?”
STRESS AND “THE BLUES”: The loss of self is a feeling that fits into the realm of depression. Depression produces a decrease in brain activity which, according to experts, often results in diminished sex drive. So needless to say, losing touch with who we are and what our needs are will inevitably affect our sex life. In addition, many women report feeling “stressed out” most of the time. Whether it’s the feeling that they have too much on their plate, the frustration that emerges from feeling there is not enough time to get things done or the lack of communication and support from a spouse, or simply the daily challenges that children bring to the table, stress takes quite a toll on our desires for intimacy on an emotional and a physical level. According to the experts, one of the factors playing a role in the demise of the woman’s sex drive is what’s referred to as adrenal fatigue. When we encounter a high level of stress in our lives, our body goes into what is called “fight or flight” mode which produces the adrenaline needed to protect ourselves from a situation that requires us to use high levels of energy, strength, and problem solving skills. When there is a high level of stress being produced on a daily basis, the adrenal glands go into what the experts call, “adrenal fatigue” which basically means that the body is exhausted from producing high levels of adrenaline and therefore causes us to shut down. The adrenaline needed to spark our sex drive is now non-existent. And, of course, aside from the physical symptoms stress produces in the body, the emotional turmoil adds to the problem as well. When we feel stressed, this produces emotional fatigue as well. What we think about controls how we feel. If we have negative thoughts, then we will inevitably have negative feelings. Thinking about all of the things that are going wrong and all of the things that we have to do makes us feel angry, sad, anxious and overwhelmed. This causes us to shut down mentally. We tend to isolate ourselves and desire little to no social interaction at all. It becomes very difficult to find pleasure in simple activities that once brought us joy and we protect ourselves from the disappointment of such by withdrawing and refusing to engage in activities that were once pleasurable. And yes, sex does fit into this category. Men who suffer from high levels of stress, depression and anxiety even report erectile dysfunction, which is quite a common issue. How we are feeling emotionally effects how we feel physically, no question about it!
Kim, age 36, mother of 2 states, “I reached a point where I felt so stressed out from all of the “to-do” lists in my head and the energy and conflict it took me just to try to get my husband more involved, that I was more likely to have a nose bleed, a stomach ache, or a migraine headache then to actually want someone to touch me with a ten foot pole! I fantasized about sleeping, not sex!”
CONFLICTS IN THE MARRIAGE: Another top complaint given by every woman I interviewed as well as the women in reports and articles published on this topic, is the conflict that arises due to the roles women play in the raising of the child as compared to the man’s role. Most women report feeling as if they do “EVERYTHING.” What does this mean? What is everything? Based on my research, everything consists of taking care of all of the children’s needs from clothing to food to homework, activities, doctor appointments, birthday parties, sibling rivalry, social needs, academic needs, and on and on. In addition to the hundreds of things they do for their children, they are also taking care of their husband’s needs. They are doing laundry, going food shopping, running errands, maintaining the inventory of household supplies, paying the bills, and maintaining the day to day issues that may arise in the running of the home. And for many women, they are also working fulltime or part time jobs. These women feel like they are always working…they are never off. They also report feeling the children as well as the husband, don’t appreciate or understand all of the time and hard work that goes into doing it all! They explain that they are merely “expected” to do these things and rarely does the husband pitch in and help or even say thank you. Some even report having husbands that come home and complain if everything isn’t in order or of they are out of something.
Jessica, 31, mother of 3 explains, “I spend hours cooking, cleaning, doing laundry, paying bills, running errands…Then my husband comes home and wants to know why I used too much sauce on the chicken. And why didn’t I wash his favorite shirt? Then I clean up some more, bathe the kids and put them to bed. I haven’t sat down once all day. I haven’t done anything for me. And after watching all of his favorite TV shows and relaxing while I clean up dinner and get the kids settled, then he wants to pay attention to me…because he wants sex. How can he actually expect me to want sex? First of all, I am exhausted! Secondly, he has done nothing but complain and put me down since he came home. Plus, he didn’t even offer to help me…not even once!”
What Jessica is expressing here is a very common conflict that exists in many marriages. Men and women, by nature, handle intimacy completely differently. Women need to feel emotionally close and connected to their husband in order to want physical intimacy. If hubby comes home complaining and filled with negative comments, then doesn’t pitch in to help with the chores and the kids, or least show some appreciation for all that his wife has done all day, then the woman is going to be left feeling resentful and hurt, thus destroying any chance she will want physical intimacy with her husband. Men, on the other hand, work quite the opposite. They are wired to crave and need intimacy when things between him and his wife are not going well. Sex gives the man the false sense of security that he needs to feel that everything is fine. For him, sex means that everything is ok. For the woman, everything has to be ok first. So, as you can see, this creates quite a conflict in the marriage as sexual appetite and need is quite different depending on gender. The husband doesn’t understand why his wife doesn’t want to be close to him. And the wife doesn’t understand how the husband can even expect her to want it after they had been bickering about nothing and everything all day! Women don’t want to be touched by the man that is pissing them off…it’s that simple!
Okay, so we know all of this…now what? How do we make it better? What do we do? It’s not a dilemma that can be easily cured with a short step by step guide and some fun filled tips. However, the problem can be solved with a positive approach and consistent effort. To get you started, here is a few things you can do:
1. FIND THE UNDERLYING CAUSE: As with anything, you can’t solve a problem unless you know what the problem actually is! Unless you have a medical condition or you are taking a medication that clearly causes a decrease in sex drive, you need to see your lack of libido as a symptom of a larger issue and not as the issue itself. As discussed at length in this article, a basic disinterest in lovemaking is a symptom of stress, depression, marital conflicts, low self esteem, and the loss of self. Finding what is causing your lack of sex drive is the first step in making things better.
2. TAKE NECESSARY STEPS TO CURE THE CAUSE: If the issue is marital problems, then marriage counseling or therapy can be very helpful. If it’s more of an issue of loss of self, where you feel that you just don’t do anything for you anymore and you are no longer in touch with yourself as an individual and as a woman, then it is so important to slowly start doing things for yourself again. Be aware of the thoughts that are self defeating and cause guilt. Remember that it is not only okay, but that it is essential to take care of your needs and to take a break to do something for you! You need to be a healthy person to be a healthy parent so taking care of you is indirectly taking care of your kids! No guilt ladies! It’s okay to enjoy life and do something that is just about you!
3. SEEK OUT SUPPORT AND ASK FOR HELP: Yes! It is okay to ask for help! Whether it’s your spouse, friends, family or a professional, remember that no one expects you to do it all! Take off that superhero cape and remember that moms are human after all! Doing it all isn’t what makes you a great mommy. What makes you a great mommy is the love you have for your children. But remember that taking care of your needs too or asking for help doesn’t mean that you love those children any less! It just means that you are giving yourself permission to be human.
4. MAKE A LIST OF THE THINGS THAT USED TO TURN YOU ON: What was it? When you last remember having a healthy sexual appetite, what was it that really brought you in the mood? When did things change? What is different now that may be the cause for the demise in libido? Think of ways to bring what used to turn you on back into your life. Are there things currently that turn you on? Perhaps you can discuss these things with your spouse and start bringing the urge back into your lives.
The bottom line is this, see your lack of sex drive as a symptom of a bigger issue. Take some time to discover what that issue is and take the steps necessary to make things better. Although it may seem easier said than done, remember that where there is a will, there is a way and don’t be afraid to ask for help.
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5 Comments | Add A Comment
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Great Article Stacy! When speaking of the medical - it is also important to make sure your thyroid is functioning properly. a Thyroid that is even the slightest bit "off" can reak havoc on your hormones and desire for sex. Also, if you have ruled out all of the medical, if your relationship is in a good place, you feel good about yourself and maybe you are just exhausted.....
Posted February 2, 2010 1:56 PM -
Wish that were my problem...I am in overdrive; while my husband is in reverse. doesnt matter how tired i am, what mood im in, or how he aggrivated me; i just crave him all of the time. maybe i think like a man. feeling like i need the sex to show me intimacy. ugh.
Posted February 3, 2010 2:00 PM -
I'm afraid my wife will slap me if i give this to her XP
Posted February 3, 2010 2:17 PM -
Why would she slap you? Maybe if she sees that you took the time to read this article it will show her that you trying to understand her. What most women really want is to know they are understood and loved.
Posted February 4, 2010 11:29 AM -
This stuff really hits home. I think the reasons I'm not into it is because I feel tired and unappreciated. When you are angry at someone and feel they don't get you, the last thing you want to do is let them in...if you know what i mean..LOL!
Posted February 4, 2010 11:32 AM
