The Doormat Dilemma: Getting What I want and Still Being Liked

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The Doormat Dilemma: Getting What I want and Still Being Liked

Jessica Leo, LMSW 
 

Many people find it very hard to stick up for themselves for several different reasons.  They want to help others, feel guilty saying no, feel pressured to say yes, lack confidence, don’t want to irritate others, etc.  What it boils down to is people want to be liked – and giving in – not speaking up for oneself – and becoming a doormat ends up being the result. 
 

So how does one stand up for themselves, while cultivating respect and a positive connection with others?   
 

1. Learn to say “no” to unreasonable and/or unfair requests or situations.
2. Learn to say “no” to undesirable situations
3. Learn how to make reasonable requests of others
4. Express your feelings appropriately
5. Be assertive, verbally and non verbally
6. Take caution not to become aggressive

There is a difference between being assertive and being aggressive.  When one is aggressive, they tend to respond by being unnecessarily hostile, forceful or are just plain obnoxious. When one is assertive, they calmly but firmly stand up for what they want and believe to be right and express themselves without putting others down, marginalizing (shoving them off to the margin – so to speak; like they don’t have any importance) and/or demeaning them.  
 

When you make an assertive statement or give an assertive response it requires forethought as to the message you want to impart; relaying that message firmly, providing a reason and showing understanding.   
 

It is important to:

• State your position, speaking with a strong, confident tone of voice without seeming like you are trying to dominate
• State your reason, again being confident, but respectful.
• Speak in a coherent way – without appearing unsure of what you are saying. 
• Maintain good eye contact and make sure that your facial expressions are congruent to what you are saying (for example, you do not want to be smiling while you are telling someone you are upset with them).
• Body proximity and position: You want to be close to the other person without invading their personal space (if they take a step back or you feel uncomfortable – you are too close).
• Offer options or a solution/what should be done to change the situation or solve the problem (when you are making a request)
• Be understanding of how others will be affected by your request or refusal and state your understanding.

For Example (making a request): when disagreeing with an evaluation at work, you can respectfully ask your supervisor to reconsider by stating the problem: “I have worked very hard on (fill in the blank) and don’t feel that I have been given a fair evaluation.  Give your proposal “I would appreciate it if you would review my work (etc) again and reconsider my final evaluation.  Show understanding “I understand that this is not what is done ordinarily and it will take more time on your part, and I appreciate it because my work performance is very important to me”. 
 

Another Example (Refusing a request): Whether personal or professional: the same rules apply.  If you are a stay at home mom and your sister in law asks you to provide day care for her child when she returns to work (and you don’t want to).  State your position. : No, I can’t provide full time childcare for you”.  State the reason.  “Throughout the day we have lots of routines and outings and doing so will interfere with Susie’s routine and schedule” or “with already having 3 little ones at home, I don’t feel I can handle another and give the full attention they deserve”. Be understanding.  I recognize how hard it is to find someone you trust; if I could, I would help”. 
 

By learning to become an effective communicator of your own needs via the skill of assertiveness; you will be able to stand up for your own needs and wants while maintaining positive relationships with others.  They may not always be happy with what you have the say; but they will respect you for how you said it. 
 

2010