Sexual Abuse and Your Kids: Prevention and Intervention
Sexual Abuse and Your Kids: Prevention and Intervention
Jessica Leo, LMSW
Thinking about your child being sexually abused is enough to make you sick. The range of emotions that radiate throughout every fiber of your being are along the lines of alexithymia (there are just no words to describe them).
The statistics state that there is just no telling who a perpetrator may be; and chances are the person will be a friend, neighbor, relative, childcare provider or someone else that you thought you could trust.
You need to start early and arm your child with knowledge, support and resources. Your children need to know about their bodies; that it is safe to come talk to you no matter what and who else they can turn to if they feel that something inappropriate has happened to them.
Make sure you:
· Educate your child about their own body parts – including their private parts using correct terminology
· Make sure that they understand the difference between good touch and bad touch. Describe feelings that they may have if they are experiencing bad touch (feel like it is wrong, feel unsafe, confused, have butterflies in stomach, want to leave) and to trust those feelings.
· Teach your child to say NO assertively and leave the situation to go tell someone they trust.
· Explain that someone who wants to hurt them in this way might make up lies or say scary things to keep them from telling. Even if they threaten to hurt mommy/daddy/family; tell anyway.
· Explain to them that they should tell you even if it is by someone they know well and trust.
· Don’t pressure your child to hug or kiss anyone – even family that they don’t see often. Doing so sends your child a message that they should engage in physical touch even if they don’t want to. We don’t want to teach our kids to ignore feelings of discomfort.
· Set the stage for a relationship where your child feels free to communicate with you about anything without fear of being judged, criticized or blamed/punished for things that are not their fault. Reassure them that they can come to you no matter what.
· Use general events as a frame work for discussion. For example, “We’re going to the doctor and he may touch you in this way”… use this as a segway for another conversation about good touch vs. bad touch – or sleeping at friends houses, going to sleep away camp, taking swimming lessons, etc. Use any opportunity in which there could be potential for touch, as a teachable moment.
· Ask open ended questions in your discussions. Example, have you ever felt strange when someone touched you? Tell me about it…
· Do not perseverate on a particular question; doing so may lead your child to the feeling that something is wrong – and there might not be (you don’t want to set your family up for a crisis if there isn’t one)
· Discuss other variants of abuse as well (taking inappropriate photos, sexual talk, someone touching themselves in front of your child, etc.)
· Teach your child who they can go to if they feel that someone has been inappropriate in the event that they are not with you (like the principal, etc.)
If your child discloses sexual abuse:
· Believe the child. The worst thing you can do is try to rationalize, ignore or minimize the situation. All trust your child has in coming to you with problems will be lost.
· Do not blame the child. No matter what has happened, the blame get pointed at the abuser; not the child. Your child will be able to better deal with the issue and heal if they are believed and supported.
· Tell the child that you are proud of them for coming to you and telling you what happened. Emphasize that it is not their fault and that they are not in trouble.
· Do not suggest or lead with your questions. You don’t want to put words in their mouth or make them feel pressured to respond in a certain way.
· Do not confront the abuser.
· Report the abuse to the authorities.
· Stay Calm. Controlling your emotions will help your child deal with theirs. You do not want to react in a hysterical way and heighten your child’s fears, guilt or shame. Staying calm will allow your child to feel more freedom in talking to you about the situation. It will also allow you to be a source of strength and allow you to think about the appropriate actions to take.
Kids often do not disclose information about abuse; even when asked, out of fear, guilt, shame, liking the abuser despite abuse, or scare tactics. Be patient and remain alert if you have suspicions. Some behaviors/things that may indicate abuse include:
· sexualized play inappropriate to age
· Withdrawal from peers/adults
· Reoccurring nightmares
· Anxiety correlated to a specific person or place
· Anxiety related to removing clothing
· Sexual acting out
· Being more easily startled than usual
· Procurement of money/things and you don’t know where they came from
· Attempts to avoid a certain individual; out of normal character
*These things on their own do not cement the fact that abuse has occurred – look for a combination of events that are out of character for your child.
Make sure you don’t neglect your own feelings and needs. If your child has been the victim of sexual abuse; seek support and guidance from those you trust. You may also want to consider seeing a counselor to sort through your own feelings and learn healthy coping skills.
The hardest thing to do is to break through the feeling that you are tainting your child’s innocence by exposing them to some of the ugliness that this world has to offer. But remember, knowledge is power and if you equip your child with the skills and know how to ward of unwanted advances – you will be protecting them in a much more vital way.
2010
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