PRO ANSWER

It can be really hard to differentiate between communicating and nagging.  The best way to get your needs met is to talk about how you feel when he doesn't pick up after himself.  Are you tired all the time, angry all the time, frustrated, upset, overwhelmed?  Those are feelings that he needs to hear from you before you decide that you are fed up and decide to leave.  To help get you started, here is an article I wrote on "I" message.  If this doesn't work, come talk to me at www.brighterdays4you.com.

"I" messages do two things. Not only do they help us communicate with others, they also keep us from feeling like a victim. We have all heard of  "I" messages and if you haven't, this is what an "I" message is: I feel (feeling) when (this happens or event) because (why).

"I" messages break down barriers allowing us to listen to each other. "You" messages put up walls because we are busy defending ourselves from attack. Isn't it easier to hear someone say, "I feel worried when you don't tell me where you are and when you are going to come home because I am afraid of what might happen. I'm afraid that you might be splat in the middle of some street somewhere." then to hear someone say, "Why didn't you call? You make me so mad when you don't call. How many times do I have to tell you to call me? You could be dead in some alley somewhere and I wouldn't know about it."  Both are saying essentially the same thing but the first is easier to listen to.

General considerations when using "I" messages:

1.  Before you make an "I" statement answer the questions:
   What am I feeling?
   When am I feeling it?
   Why am I feeling it?
2.  Use feelings words such as uncomfortable, hurt, angry, or worried.
3.  Use of the word "like" is also acceptable such as, "I feel like a doormat when I mop the floor and then you come in with dirty shoes and make tracks because my effort to clean was wasted."
4.  Be specific when describing when something happened. Not when this place is a mess but rather when the towels are not picked up in the bathroom.
5.  Be specific in describing why. Not because I hate picking up after you rather because I am afraid I might slip on one of the towels and get hurt.  Being specific helps the listener to understand what exactly it is that you are upset about and why exactly that is. If you are not specific enough, it is easier for the other person to deny that it happened or to question what you are talking about.
6.  Avoid "You" statements such as Ï feel that you…", or "You make me feel…".

Practice, practice

Learning to use "I" messages can be like learning a foreign language. In foreign languages the grammar is different. Nouns are after verbs and adjectives are after nouns so not only do you need to learn different words but also different sentence structures. As a result you are going to be stumbling over sentences for awhile. It is generally easier to write down some sentences or practice sentences in your head much like you would when learning a foreign language. Practice helps.

Men versus women

Men generally find it easy to say why they are feeling the way they are but don't know what they are feeling. Women generally can go on and on about how they are feeling but have no idea why they feel they way that they do. They just do thank you very much! In my experience couples either both are not specific about when things happen or both are very detailed about when things happen.

What do "I" messages have to do with being a victim?

"I" messages are about taking ownership for what you are feeling and thinking rather than blaming others for what you are feeling and thinking. No one makes you feel the way that you do and no one makes you think the way that you do. This is a tough concept for many people to understand. You choose how you feel based on what you think. For example, "You make me mad when you leave the towels on the floor. How many times have I told you to pick them up?"  If I said that, my thinking would likely be: they are so thoughtless; I'm tired of yelling; nobody listens to me. I would be feeling mad because of those thoughts. If I thought to myself instead. I will teach my children how pick up the towels on the floor by giving them a consequence and then following through with that or by reorganizing the bathroom routine so that it would be easier for them to keep the towels picked up. I might still feel mad yes but mostly I would feel empowered and purposeful because I would feel like I was doing something about it. My "I" message might come out like this, "I am so afraid of slipping and falling when the towels are on the floor. I am really angry that they were left there. Would you kids like me to take away your favorite toy when you leave the towels on the floor or would you like to put them on these hooks that I have hung just for them. See, they each are a different color so you know which one is yours."  I would be in control of what happened rather than allowing my children to be in control.

Nobody makes anybody feel anything.

Another example is if my husband gave me flowers and I thought "Oh, how nice of him to give me flowers."  I would likely thank him for giving them to me. But if I thought instead, "What a waste of money. He could have bought me something for my kitchen instead."Then I would feel angry and would tell him not to do it again. Not only do "I" messages break down defenses but they also put us in control of our thoughts and feelings. When we are in control of those, we are no longer a victim. 

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PRO ANSWER

It sounds like your husband puts himself first, while you put your family first.  The problem is that you cannot change another person.  I suggest that you value yourself more.  When you go out, tell your husband that you want to be afforded the same undistrubed time that you give him.  He can guilt you but it's your choice to buy into it.

What you're doing now doesn't seem to be working with regard to picking up after him.  I would just let him know that you're not going to do that any more.  Either let his clothes pile up in the kitchen, or put them in a garbage bag in th garage.  He'll get the hint.  We teach people how to treat us.  As long as h e knows he can walk all over you, he will do it.  If he tells you the house is unorganized, tell him you're doing the best you can and if he doesn't like it, he can do it.  If you really get desperate, you can go on strike.

Good luck,

Carla

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Thank you so much for your replies and your support.  i will really give alot of thought to the things you are both saying and try to understand my feelings and communicate them.. And dumping all his stuff in a garbage bag to place in the garage actually sounds like a great idea!  If anything, it will make me feel better!