Q: How do you talk to your kids about the tough stuff?

I am putting together a parent training on talking about sesitive issues to your kids (target audience is primarily teen). I have my agenda, but would like to hear your views and experiences as to what the key points are. thanks!

Posted by JessicaLeoLMSW

A: Answer from Stacy

If your primary audience is teens, I would think it's absolutely essential to train parents on the psychological turmoil of the adolescent and the ways to help their child with self awareness and support through this transition.  I would educate parents about separation individuation, the quest for self identity, the inner struggle for adequate self esteem and acceptance...  Parents need to understand that teens are in that in that in between state of wanting to be an adult, but not quite being ready and being terrified of the independence that they think they really want!  Sensitivity to the need to fit in and be liked is so important for these parents to understand.  furthermore, they themselves need to understand that the conflict and confrontation faced by the teen is not really about them but all about the inner turmoil of the child becoming and individual and becoming an adult.  Its a difficult and scary jourbey and parents tend to view their child as disrespectful or out of control because they have very little understanding as to what is really going on with their child.

Hope this helps!

A: Answer from Stacy

Hmmm.. that's interesting... and somewhat odd.  My children are both "short" as well, but it does run in the family and what my pediatrician explained to me is that as long as there is a consistant growth on the chart each year then there is nothing to be concerned about.  Basically, there is no cause for alarm unless there is a signicant drop on the growth curve.  Furthermore, I'm confused as to what diet would have to do with height anyway.  It seems more productive to recommend a dietician if there were concerns with weight gain.  If the child is growing, but not gaining weight or is grossly underweight and doesn;t eat well then it is important to seek guidasnce from a dietician or nutritionist.  If you are concerned about your child's size, I would suggest you seek a second opinion from another doctor as recommending a dietician because a child is a little short when there is a genetic indication for such seems to be a waste of time.

Good Luck To You!

A: Answer from Stacy

I'm sorry to hear about your loss.  Let's try and look at one issue at a time.

1.  Miscarriages can be very traumatic and difficult to get over.  I had a miscarriage before I had my second child and I felt empty, dissappointed, and sad.  I tried holding onto the joy of the child I had and focus on the reality that "everything happens for a reason," but in the wake of a loss and dissappointment, that can be very difficult.  However, eventually I did get pregnant again and I had my daughter.  I look at her from time to time and i think.. "She was supposed to be here."  And that was my everything happens for a reason.  A miscarriage is nature's way of terminating a pregnancy that is unhealthy.  Something I did realize after the fact, however, was that I was not only mourning for my loss, but for what the pregnancy and the loss represented for me.  There were issues going on in my life that were very difficult to handle including an unhappy marriage and alot of depression.  The miscarriage became a symbolic representation of my loss of self, my sadness, and my overall disatisfaction in my life.  So I am not suggesting you feel the same way I did, however, when you feel that you are having a hard time coping with something, sometimes the difficulty we have moving on lies within the other issues that are playing  a role in our lives.  This brings us to the next issue I see in your question...

2.  Some anger and resentment with your husband and financial stress.  It seems there may be a communication issue that you have with your husband where you don't feel he is sensitive to your feelings.  When to have another baby is something that you need to discuss and agree to together, not something for him to decide on his own.  And you should share your fears and concerns with him.  In addition to that, you say that you spend alot of time thinking about what would have been.  What you need to start focusing on is what IS.  think about the child you have, the things that you have in your life that make you happy.  And perhaps the things you have to look forward to.  Focusing on the positive and the blessings is more productive than on what isn't working at the moment.  Just know that if having another baby is something you want then you can make plans to bring that into your life.  Focus on the family you have and on knowing that family will grow in time.  Discuss your finances and expenses and make a plan that makes sense together.  But thinking of what would have been instead of on what is is cheating you of enjoying what is right in front of you.  The future can have so many blessings but so can the present moment... don't allow yourself to miss out on your life today.

I know you are going through alot and that it can be hard.  just focus on the positive, communicate with your husband, and start really living your life in the present moment.

Good luck to you!

A: Answer from Stacy

This sounds like a much needed training!!  Some of the things teachers have said to me have left me wondering if people think before they open their mouths!  I remember when I went in to meet with my son's teacher to tell her that my husband and I were getting separated, she said "oh boy.... this poor kid... he is already dealing with so much and now this!?"  (My son has adhd so academics have always been somewhat of a challenge for him)  Needless to say, I was appalled, but realize that sometimes people just speak thier mind and don;t have adequate filtering!

I think the most important message to get across to these teachers is nature of the parent/child relationship.  The mere facty that most parents see their children as an extension of themselves leaves them feeling very vulnerable and defensive when it comes to any criticism, even if the teacher is only discussing the issue out of concern.  They need to be very cognicent of the defensive nature of the parent and where that passion is coming from.  Also, they need to be very aware of the words they choose.  They chould use words of compassion and understanding and be sure not to use any words that would make the parent feel as though they are being judged or attacked.

Now, in a case where the parent is attacking the teacher, remind the teacher that it is most likely not personal.  they are simply feeling scared and insecure.  They fear what you think of their child and of them and in many cases it can simply be a case of denial because they don't want accept that there may be an issue.  Using encouraging and compassionate language, expressing that you are concerned, and following all criticisms up with positive things about the chid so the parent doesn't feel under attack is the best way to approach delivering "bad news."

Hope this helps!

A: Answer from Stacy

Yes, it's normal.  What's happening to you is that you place yourself on such an emotional high completely focused on the holidays...its as if the holidays becomes everything you feel good about and everything you look forward to.  If you wrap yourself entirely around something that is temporary depending on it to give you life, then it is inevitable that when it goes away you will feel a bit lost.  It's okay to look forward to and enjoy the holidays....however, you have to be able to look at it as something that enhances your life..not something that makes your life.  Think about what other things make you happy?  What else brings you fullfillment on a daily basis?  You need to try and switch the focus on what you have, what brings you joy, and what you have to look forward to instead of what is lost or missing.  Do you seem to have a tendency to focus on loss?  Are you generally happy and content in your life? Or does the holidays perhaps seve as a lifeline removing you from a reality that is not that fullfilling to begin with?  I apologize for all of the questions, but i just want to encourage you to explore what thoughts lead you to these feelings of sadness and emptiness after the holidays are over.  It seems possible that the holidays may in fact be filling a void for you.  Consider what happens to an individual when they take a drug... if they are unhappy and the drug brings them temporary happiness through a false escape, then the way they feel after experiencing the escape is going to be worse than how they felt before experiencing the escape in the first place.  You are left feeling empty after the holidays and dont feel better until you have something new to look forward to... the spring... a new season.  Remember that it is your thoughts that create your feelings... so try tapping into what you are really thinking about when the holidays come to a close...also.. remember that just because it lasted you so long in the past doesnt mean thats what will happen every year.  Dont expect it... you create what you expect.... just know that with a little work, you can snap yourself out of this.  Don't hesitate to contact me further if you are interested in speaking further about this.  Good luck to you!

A: Answer from Stacy

In order to have an IEP put into place, he needs to have some type of diagnosis recognized by the school district.  If your son has been evaluated by a doctor or professional then that can be sent to the special education committee in the district and a CSE meeting will be scheduled to discuss these issues and you will be invited to attend that meeting.  If your son hasn't been evaluated you can request an evaluation to be done by the school and the CSE will follow that. 

A: Answer from Stacy

I have good news and bad news... this is normal!  That's the good news!  It's also the bad news since you are now entering what is known as the "terrible two's!"  It get's its name for a reason, unfortunately!  Your child is at an age where he is learning cause and effect.. he is testing the world and its limits as well as his own.  He is more aware of himself and his own autonomy, meaning he wants to do more for himself than he is readily capable of.  This brings about frustration which is normal and understandable.  He is also at an age where communication is still in major development.  He can probably say a few words, but not enough to really express what is on his mind.  Helping him with his frustration by verbalizing for him what he must be feeling in a way that he can understand it at his age may help.  If he sees that you are with him and understand on some level then that will help him to calm down.  Encourage him to calm down...speak in a calm voice.  If you respond to his frustration with your own frustration then you are only making the behavior worse by reinforcing it.  Speak calmly and keep it together even if you feel frustrated yourself.  Now as fot the throwing... my son did this too and it drove me wild!  And he is now 9 years old and he did outgrow it!  The best way to deal with the throwing i to firmly but calmly say no.  Don't continuously pick the item up and hand it back to him because then it is a game and he has you engaged and he is in control.  Toddlers like that.  You also don't want to yell and over react because then they are still controlling you and they are drawn to the cause and effect element of it.  You firmly say no.  If it happens again you take that item away and say no throwing.  Now no more.  They will learn that throwing causes a negative outcome that they don't like so they will eventually get it and stop the behavior.  But be patient.  I know its difficult, but it is age appropriate!

A: Answer from Stacy

Adults can get tested for ADD or ADHD just the same way children do.  I would recommend a psychological evaluation coupled with a consultation and possible testing with a neurologist.  These things are often covered by insurance, so check into profesionals that are in your network.  It is common for adults to suffer with these symptoms, but since it tends to be a diorder detected in childhood thee days, it often times goes undiagnosed and treated in adults.

A: Answer from Stacy

NO!!!  Of course you aren't wrong!!!  Just because we get married or get involved in a relationship doesn't mean we should never want time to ourselves!  As a professional in my field, one of the things I specialize in is the loss of self in parenting and in relationships because it's something I see happening way too often!!  I was even a victim of it myself and it was one of the factors that led to the demise of my marriage.  You see, in any relationship, it is essential to keep in touch with who you are.  You need to nurture your needs, your interests, your hobbies... what makes you who you are?  The things that you enjoyed before you entered the relationship is all things that you should still be able to do.  We all need time alone now and then to submerge yourself in what makes you YOU.  And to be in touch with your wants, likes, and desires.

I work with alot of couples and I encourage them not only to do this for themsleves but to encourage their partner to do it as well.  You need to allow your partner the time to do things that makes him HIm or her HER.  Being in a relationship doesn't mean you give yourself up.  Don't put your hobbies, interests, and other relationships (family and friends) on a shelf.  There are so many facets of yourself that deserve to continue having a life of their own.  Make sure you make time for that and allow yourself to do this by validating the need.  Talk to your fiance about it and make sure he is on the same page with you.  Entering into a mutually beneficial relationship where you encourage each others individualism makes for a healthy relationship! I also wonder is it him that thinks you are a bad partner for wanting time away or is it you?  Are you giving yourself a guilt trip for having feelings which are totally healthy?

I am in a relationship where I will soon be having my boyfriend move in with me and he will then be surrounded by MY children.  I intend to have a separate space set up for him so that he has time alone and can kind of "escape' from me and my children when he needs to.  I know he loves us and wants to share a life with us, but I also understand his fears of getting lost in my family and my children and I want him to be in an environment where he still feels there is a place where he can just be HIMSELF from time to time.  Creating a healthy balance that is agreed upon and understood by both parties involved is essential.

So, your thoughts and your needs are totally healthy. Don't torture yourself.  Communicate with your fiance and make sure he knows that the break is in no way a reflection of how you feelabout him or his children, but more of just a need for a little "you time."  Hope this was helpful!

A: Answer from Stacy

There is nothing wrong with you.  This is very common.  You are NOT a horrible person.  You are a very normal human being transitioning through the hardest adjustment you have ever had to make.  Seriously!

“Baby blues” is very common and happens for a variety of reasons.  The hormone levels that decrease significantly directly following childbirth can, for many women, cause a chemical imbalance that triggers depression. This can manifest itself in a variety of ways:

1. Crying spells


2. Overwhelmed feelings of sadness


3. Fatigue


4. Trouble sleeping/insomnia


5. Feelings of hopelessness


6. Irritability


7. Scary thoughts about hurting self or baby


8. Trouble bonding with or caring for the new baby


9. Feelings of resentment

   You don’t need to have all of these symptoms to be diagnosed with postpartum depression.  It can be only one or a combination of any of the above listed symptoms.  Every case is different and can start from the time the baby is born from anywhere up to a year thereafter. 

   Hormone changes aren’t always the culprit behind the depression.  Consider the enormity of the transition a new mother faces.   You suddenly don’t have the control over your life that you had before.  You are no longer living by your schedule.  You feel as though your life is being controlled by someone else completely.  And it is normal for this to create a level of resentment, frustration, or irritability.  In addition, your sleep pattern is completely disrupted.  You aren’t getting enough sleep and your sleep pattern is broken on a consistent basis.  You no longer have the same amount of time or energy to do the things you were always able to do before.  You have changed your work and social habits.  It seems like everything has changed.  You may be feeling uncomfortable with changes in your body due to pregnancy and birth leaving you feeling less attractive.

         These are all possibilities, and until you adjust, they can be quite overwhelming.  IT WON’T ALWAYS FEEL THIS WAY!  You need to take some time to adjust to what has changed until you feel like you are back in control of your life. And you can do this.  First, start by getting as much rest as you can.  Sleep is essential!  Then, try and set a schedule for yourself.  Make a list of all of the things you need to do.  Then make a list of all of the things you want to do.  Yes, wants are still important!  Now work out how and when you will work toward getting these things accomplished.  You may need to change how or when you do things, but once you realize that they can still be done you will start to feel more in control again.  Go easy on yourself.  Don’t set unrealistic deadlines.   And that will be a relief!  Don’t feel bad asking for help.  Allow the people in your life to support you in this time of change( even if this means considering therapy and/or medication as a temporary solution).  Keep in touch with your identity as an individual.  Don’t feel guilty taking breaks from the new baby to do something that is just for you.  It is important for you to nurture yourself as well. You are still important.  And you need to be a healthy person to be a healthy parent!

   Most importantly, don’t feel guilty.  Don’t think that this makes you bad mother.  It just makes you human.  How you are coping emotionally is not at all a reflection of how you feel about your new baby.  It is normal to feel scared, angry, overwhelmed, or even regretful because at the moment what you are going through is hard.  But it will pass. You will feel better.   

 

 

A: Answer from Stacy

It is hard.  I went through this too.  What may help is asking yourself what you are afraid of.  I was afraid of facing the realioty that I was ending it.  That he would be sad and I would have to accept responsibilty for it.  It was the guilt.  Recognizing this helped me to understand and work through these thoughts until I found true inner peace that what I was doing was in fact the right thing.  That he deserved to be loved and in a marriage that wasn't a facade.  That was my issue.... you need to ask yourself this and find your fear.  If it is his feelings being hurt then just know that honesty is always best.  he may be hurt, but he will survive.  You deserve to be set free to find happiness and so does your husband.  He may not realize it at the moment but being married to someone who doesnt want to be married to him will not bring him happiness.  you are setting him free.  He will be okay.  Change can be scary, but change really can be a good thing.  Good luck to you and keep me posted! 

A: Answer from Stacy

Honestly, this behavior is not so uncommon at 3.  Some kids learn later than others, but you can certainly speak to his pediatrician about it if you feel you may want to have him tested for learning/developmental delays.  It may be possible that he has poor impulse control and trouble focusing which could be early signs of adhd, but it is very early to tell.  I will paste here for you an article I wrote that may be helpful as well:

A: Answer from Stacy

A: Answer from Stacy

Although it is less likely to get pregnant 3 days after you period than 10 days after, and it is less likely you can pregnant using the pull out method, YES it is still possible.  There is always a risk with unprotected sex.... certain situations may be "less" of a risk than other situations, however, there is always a risk when you aren't using protection.  If you aren't in a situation where you want to get pregnant, please speak to your doctor and consider all of the birth control possibilities available to you.

A: Answer from Stacy

Have you asked him what may be bothering him?  His behavior (especially the non responsiveness to punishments) indicates a low level of self destructiveness... which basically means he has internalized some anger and is slightly/moderately depressed.  The solution to this issue is more likely a need to target the emotions or circumstances that have him in this state of not caring.  Punishing isnt going to make him care.... ask him what is wrong.  Help him to understand and express why he doesnt care and why he wouldnt want better for himself.   If you dont get very far with that, I wouldsuggest counseling as this appears tobe an issue of depression...(since youstated it is not academic)

A: Answer from Stacy

You can call CPS... I get the feeling you feel the need to be doing something about this.. and its hard for you to feel you have no control over this at all knowing she needs help.  Make the call.. maybe they will see it as medical neglect and force the issue .. Its worth trying... at least you know you're doing something.. it seems like you need that..:)

A: Answer from Stacy

As I am reading this I can feel the frustration you must be feeling, just in the simple fact thatyouhave hadher to several therapists and even hospitalized and no one has come up with an appropriate diagnosis or treatment plan.  These symptoms are serious and you are obviously a very caring individual to want to be involved even though she is no longer living with you.  Since she has been hospitalized, she is eligible for case management services that is run by the mental health association in most states.  A case manager will be assigned and serve as an advocate for all of the services she is eligible to receive.  I would bring her to a reputable hospital in your area and stress that her behavior contains both suicidal and homocidal ideation.  Request a full evaluation, medication eval, case management services, as well as referrals for appropriate care facilities that can more appropriately addressher needs.  Again, I don't want to jump toany diagnosis based on the info you provided, however the diagnosis you mentioned does not sound accurate based on the symptoms you have listed.  Keep me posted on how its all going.   

A: Answer from Stacy

This is a tough situation you are in and Im so sorry for that.  I would like to help you, but have a few questions I need to ask if that's okay.  First, ow old is your step daughter?  I don't really have enough information to jump to a diagnosis for you, but I will say this.. This is more than adhd and attachment disorder.  It is crucial that she be diagnosed appropriately.  THe right diagnosis can at least get her the correct medication.  I think at this point medication is essential in getting the psychotic symptoms managed.  Therapy is also very important, not only for her, but for the family as well in understanding and handling this appropriately. There are so many facilities that she can go to.. she may be eligile for a school setting that is also a day treatment facilty that will provide daily therapy and psychiatric supervision.  Would you feel comfortable giving me a little more detail about her mood, aggressive behavior, etc..  Does she have friends?  What is the history of the symptoms?  I know it must be overwhelming but the right diagnosis and the right treatment plan can make things more manageable because at least you will feel more in control of the situation 

A: Answer from Stacy

I felt the same way about my son.. he wasn't him and it was scary.  he now takes medidate and its perfect for him... the anger is completely gone.  Side effects are important to focus on.  Was he angry like this at all before the medication?  That is important to consider.  As the doctor what he is testing for, what he is doing to determine the diagnosis.  Don't be afraid to ask questions or to voice your concern about anything and everything.  And ask about a referral fro therapy as that will be so helpful as well.

A: Answer from Stacy

Do you have him in therapy?  Although bipolar does have genetic characteristics it doesnt necessarily have to be the case here. It is important to have a proper evaluation done by a psychiatrist.  Additionally, be aware that ADHD itself tends to elicit symptoms of severe frustration at times which results in anger or even rageful outbursts.  Adderall also is known to have rage as a side effect.  My son has adhd and he was on the same medication.  He was so angry on that medication .. it was frightening.  We switched medication and the rage disappeared completely.  Therapy can also help in giving him a forum to understand himself and learn to express his feelings appropriately.  The right diagnosis is crucial in getting the right treatment.  A psychiatric evaluation for appropriate medication, psychological testing, and therapy can all point you in the right direction.

A: Answer from Stacy

Yes it works!