Q: How do I make my husband understand?

I seem to go through the same issues with my husband over and over again and it is getting us nowhere! It's probably the same complaint every wife/mother across America complains about...so what do I do?! I cook, clean, take care of the kids, manage the household from top to bottom.. I pretty much do it all..oh yeah.. and I work a full time job! My husband works. He takes care of what he needs to do at work.. and thats it. His only responsibility is himself and his job. I ask him for help. If he would just clean up after himself! But when I ask him not to take his clothes off in the kitchen and empty his pockets on the counter, he tells me I am nagging. He goes out with friends once or twice a week...sleeps late on weekends, and pretty much has the freedom to do whatever he wants. If I want to go out to dinner with friends he sighs...says I can go but gives me a guilt trip. Then he will call me while I am out and complain about the kids or that he can't find something and criticises how unorganized the house is. Its all just too much for one person to handle. I feel like a single parent and I don't get the perks of being able to date! What do I do? How do I get him to understand that if he doesn't become my partner in this my head may explode??!!

Posted by sillymom

A: Answer from brighterdays

It can be really hard to differentiate between communicating and nagging.  The best way to get your needs met is to talk about how you feel when he doesn't pick up after himself.  Are you tired all the time, angry all the time, frustrated, upset, overwhelmed?  Those are feelings that he needs to hear from you before you decide that you are fed up and decide to leave.  To help get you started, here is an article I wrote on "I" message.  If this doesn't work, come talk to me at www.brighterdays4you.com.



"I" messages do two things. Not only do they help us communicate with others, they also keep us from feeling like a victim. We have all heard of  "I" messages and if you haven't, this is what an "I" message is: I feel (feeling) when (this happens or event) because (why).



"I" messages break down barriers allowing us to listen to each other. "You" messages put up walls because we are busy defending ourselves from attack. Isn't it easier to hear someone say, "I feel worried when you don't tell me where you are and when you are going to come home because I am afraid of what might happen. I'm afraid that you might be splat in the middle of some street somewhere." then to hear someone say, "Why didn't you call? You make me so mad when you don't call. How many times do I have to tell you to call me? You could be dead in some alley somewhere and I wouldn't know about it."  Both are saying essentially the same thing but the first is easier to listen to.



General considerations when using "I" messages:



1.  Before you make an "I" statement answer the questions:

   What am I feeling?

   When am I feeling it?

   Why am I feeling it?

2.  Use feelings words such as uncomfortable, hurt, angry, or worried.

3.  Use of the word "like" is also acceptable such as, "I feel like a doormat when I mop the floor and then you come in with dirty shoes and make tracks because my effort to clean was wasted."

4.  Be specific when describing when something happened. Not when this place is a mess but rather when the towels are not picked up in the bathroom.

5.  Be specific in describing why. Not because I hate picking up after you rather because I am afraid I might slip on one of the towels and get hurt.  Being specific helps the listener to understand what exactly it is that you are upset about and why exactly that is. If you are not specific enough, it is easier for the other person to deny that it happened or to question what you are talking about.

6.  Avoid "You" statements such as Ï feel that you…", or "You make me feel…".



Practice, practice



Learning to use "I" messages can be like learning a foreign language. In foreign languages the grammar is different. Nouns are after verbs and adjectives are after nouns so not only do you need to learn different words but also different sentence structures. As a result you are going to be stumbling over sentences for awhile. It is generally easier to write down some sentences or practice sentences in your head much like you would when learning a foreign language. Practice helps.



Men versus women



Men generally find it easy to say why they are feeling the way they are but don't know what they are feeling. Women generally can go on and on about how they are feeling but have no idea why they feel they way that they do. They just do thank you very much! In my experience couples either both are not specific about when things happen or both are very detailed about when things happen.



What do "I" messages have to do with being a victim?



"I" messages are about taking ownership for what you are feeling and thinking rather than blaming others for what you are feeling and thinking. No one makes you feel the way that you do and no one makes you think the way that you do. This is a tough concept for many people to understand. You choose how you feel based on what you think. For example, "You make me mad when you leave the towels on the floor. How many times have I told you to pick them up?"  If I said that, my thinking would likely be: they are so thoughtless; I'm tired of yelling; nobody listens to me. I would be feeling mad because of those thoughts. If I thought to myself instead. I will teach my children how pick up the towels on the floor by giving them a consequence and then following through with that or by reorganizing the bathroom routine so that it would be easier for them to keep the towels picked up. I might still feel mad yes but mostly I would feel empowered and purposeful because I would feel like I was doing something about it. My "I" message might come out like this, "I am so afraid of slipping and falling when the towels are on the floor. I am really angry that they were left there. Would you kids like me to take away your favorite toy when you leave the towels on the floor or would you like to put them on these hooks that I have hung just for them. See, they each are a different color so you know which one is yours."  I would be in control of what happened rather than allowing my children to be in control.



Nobody makes anybody feel anything.



Another example is if my husband gave me flowers and I thought "Oh, how nice of him to give me flowers."  I would likely thank him for giving them to me. But if I thought instead, "What a waste of money. He could have bought me something for my kitchen instead."Then I would feel angry and would tell him not to do it again. Not only do "I" messages break down defenses but they also put us in control of our thoughts and feelings. When we are in control of those, we are no longer a victim. 

A: Answer from brighterdays

The hardest part about this is your own grief.  Their grief brings out your grief which makes it all the harder on you and harder to answer their questions.  While you can read what all the experts say, it's not as easy as they make it sound.  You will want to deal with your own grief.  Talk it out with friends or a professional.  In the meantime, help your children deal with their grief.  Do not place blame.  Let them know that mom and dad no longer want to live together and reassure them that both of you still love them.  Let them talk about how they miss the two of you being together however do not express the same sentiment.  That will only confuse them.  Let them know that it is okay to want the two of you together however that will not happen and that eventually things will get better.  If they show any behavioral problems, seek the help of a professional.  For more information, see my website and blog at www.brighterdays4you.com.

A: Answer from brighterdays

Affairs can be very damaging.  Affairs are unfair.  The spouse that is having the affair talks to the other person about all the problems in the marriage.  That person affirms that the affair spouse is all right and the spouse is all wrong.  What you feel as the spouse being cheated on is all the pain and all the blame while your spouse is much too comfortable.  It will seem like nothing you do is right no matter how hard you try. 

This is the best way to explain the damage that emotional affairs do in a marriage.  Imagine a seesaw that is level.  Now image one person climbing on one end and two on the other.  The person on one end gets left dangling helplessly  while the two on the other end have total control.

In order for your marriage to work out your spouse will need to end the affair.  If your spouse does not then your marriage is doomed and you will be left crushed on the ground while the other two waltz off the seesaw. 

If you suspect cheating, it is okay to look into your spouse's private affairs such as email and cell phone to check for messages from one consistent person of the opposit sex.. Once trust is violated then privacy goes out the window and your spouse no longer has a right to it until trust is earned back. 

It is okay for you to find out where he goes, what his work schedule is and what time he is coming home.  It is okay to call his work and find out what his work schedule is if he refuses to tell you.  It is okay to let him know that you suspect an affair even if you don't have concrete proof.  If he denies it even though it looks to me like it is pretty clear that he is, then you can show him the evidence that you have gathered so far.  Your marriage will not survive as long as he is in this affair.  He has to choose one of you and you have a right to demand that.  The two of you can recover from this affair if he chooses to remain with you however he has to cut all ties with her.