Written by "Pam"

This is a true story written by a mother...a foster mother... who is offering her story to help us mothers to realize, appreciate, and enjoy every precious moment that we spend with our children.  Her story is a gift, reminding us about the love surrounding us every day.

 

“What’s wrong?” my husband Joe asked me as he walked into the kitchen and saw the tears streaming down my face. “Who was on the phone?”

“He’s leaving. They found a relative in Oklahoma who wants him.” I felt as though my heart was breaking as I glanced over at my beautiful baby boy. He was only a year old and had a full head of curly brown hair and the biggest blue eyes that sparkled whenever he smiled. He looked up at me, scooped up a Cheerio off his tray and shoved it into his mouth.
I tried to calm myself down so he wouldn’t sense that I was upset. That would only make him cry too. I took a deep breath in, exhaled slowly and wiped the tears off of my face. The only thing I could think of was how I was supposed to hand him over to someone else. Not only did I have to give him up. I would have to give him to a complete stranger. I couldn’t bring myself to understand how they could be doing this. He was our boy. We were the ones who got his smiles and kisses. I was the one he called mama and Joe was the one he called daddy. Not these other people.

Joe leaned down and picked Nathan up out of his highchair and hugged him close. “Are you sure they’re going to be able to take him?” Nathan reached up wrapped his little arms around Joe’s neck and kissed his cheek. I could tell by the sullen look in Joe’s eyes that he was hurting as much as I was. We had been raising our foster son Nathan since he was two days old, and were in the process of trying to adopt him. His mother had abandoned him at birth and his father was in jail for drug related crimes for the third time. He wouldn’t be up for parole for another two years. We wanted to offer Nathan the life he deserved. A life that was stable, not the one where he would be shuffled around from place to place. No one thought that his biological father would stay clean.

The first month after Nathan had come to live with us was difficult. He had tested positive for heroin and it had taken him over a month to withdraw from them. It was heartbreaking to hear his cries as his tiny body craved the drugs his mother had subjected him to during her pregnancy. He would tremble uncontrollably for hours at a time while his body tried to cleanse itself. I would have to wrap him tight in a blanket and rock him back and forth to try and sooth him. I truly believe that this bonded us even more. I love Nathan as if I had given birth to him myself.

I eased myself into a chair feeling as though my legs would give out at any moment. “The caseworker said that he could be leaving as soon as the judge will allow it. It’s his aunt and uncle. They have already done all the paperwork and are ready to come and get him.” I reached up and touched Nathan’s chubby little cheek as he rested his head on Joe’s shoulder. We knew this day might come. We had talked about it to try and prepare ourselves in case it ever did, but how do you ready yourself to give away your child. You can’t!

I woke up the next morning praying that yesterday had been a terrible dream. I had barely slept and found myself in Nathan’s room more then usual that night just staring at him. I was trying to keep a mental picture of what he looked like when he was asleep. My hopes were soon dashed when the phone rang and it was Nathan’s caseworker on the other end.

“Things are all set.” She said in a voice that was a little too cheery for me. “We were in court this morning and the judge granted custody to his aunt and uncle. They’ll be here on Friday.”

“So soon.” I exclaimed. I could feel the tears starting to build up. “That’s only two days away.”

“I know it’s sudden, but because of his age we don’t want to delay any longer then necessary. It’s not good for him. They’re very anxious to get custody of him.” I could hear the pity begin to develop in her voice as we discussed the events to come. What was even more upsetting was that even though we would never forget our rosy cheeked little boy, he would surly forget us over time. It was to be expected. He was so young that as time passed the memories he had of us would be replaced by new ones of the family he would be joining. I tried to keep an open mind. I hoped that he would have as good a life.

As I rocked him to sleep that night I prayed that they would be patient with him as he adapted to his new life. He was sure to cry at first. How could he not! These people were going to be strangers to him.

I somehow felt betrayed by the system. I understand that they believe in reuniting children with their families, but how could this be what was best for Nathan? He didn’t know these people, and they didn’t know him. There was no way I could possible prepare him for what lie ahead. He was too young to understand what was going to happen.

Before I knew it, Friday had arrived and it was time for Nathan to leave. It turned out to be a sunny beautiful day although I felt as if a dark cloud followed everywhere. I cried the whole day knowing that this day would only end in even more tears. We had it set up so they would come to our house and take custody of him. I thought it would be easier on Nathan if we were the ones who handed him over. How I was going to do that I didn’t know. How do you give away your child? The one you’ve loved and cared for all those months? I knew he wouldn’t understand what was happening and that he would cry for me. He wasn’t good with strangers, and that was what these people were, strangers.

I held Nathan in my arms and rocked him in our special chair as I had so many times before. I sang to him and waited with a heavy heart knowing this would be the last time I rocked my angle boy.

My heart skipped a beat when I heard the doorbell ring, and I tightened my grip on Nathan. I could hear Joe’s foot steps as he walked down the hall. “They’re here.” He said as he slowly opened the door to Nathan’s room. He walked over and knelt down beside us and gently kissed Nathan’s forehead. “I’ll miss you little man, never forget I love you.” He whispered into Nathan’s ear.

My heart sank as I stood up knowing that this was really happening. I was going to have to give my baby away. Up until now I had hoped that something would change and that we would get to keep him. Now I had to face the truth, it wasn’t going to happen.

I walked slowly down the hallway with Joe’s arm around my shoulder. We paused right before we entered the living room where Nathan’s new family was waiting. Joe tightened his grip on my shoulder and asked me if I was ready. I wanted to shout no, they can’t have him, but I just nodded and my head yes and hugged Nathan close to me and whispered my goodbyes in his ear. I kissed the top of his head and told him I would love him forever and to be good.

Nathan’s aunt and uncle’s faces lit up when we entered the living room and they met their nephew for the first time. “Thank you so much for taking such good care of him.” His aunt said as she touched his hand. I could tell that she knew how much this was tearing me up inside. She had a look of pity in her eyes that said it all. On one hand she wanted her nephew, but on the other she didn’t wan to hurt us.

“Your welcome, if there is anything we can ever do for him please don’t hesitate to call.” I forced myself to smile. I wanted her to feel at ease, to know that I didn’t blame her for wanting Nathan.

“I know your hurting, and that you both love Nathan as if he was your own. I have spoken to his father and he would like you to be his godparents. That way you can stay in his life. He wants you to be able to see him grow and when he is old enough we will tell him about the wonderful people that cared for him when we couldn’t.”

I couldn’t help myself and burst into tears. “Thank you so much, and we accept the offer. We would do anything for him.”
We sat and talked for a while so they could ease Nathan in to leaving with them. They seemed nice enough as we talked about Nathan and his likes and dislikes. I had written them a letter telling them everything about him. I also added our name and number in case they had any questions that I hadn’t already answered. They also promised to send pictures as soon as they could.

Then came the time I was dreading. It was time to hand Nathan over. “Mama!” he cried as I put him into his new mothers arms.

“It’s OK my angel.” I told him as they turned to leave. It took every ounce of will power I had not to grab him back and try and sooth him. I could hear crying as they put him in the car and drove away. I buried my head in Joe’s shoulder and sobbed. I cried for what seemed like forever, my baby was gone, and all I could do was hope that they would keep their promise and stay in touch. Every time I closed my eyes that night I could see and hear Nathan crying for me. I let myself grieve the lose of my baby by crying for him. It was something I knew I had to do. Even though Nathan technically wasn’t mine by birth I felt as though he was and grieved as though I had lost my own child.

I am not able to get pregnant and feel as though this is the path that god has chosen for us. To help whatever baby may need us to get a good start in life. Then if that child may need a permanent family we will step up and offer that child a forever family. I will never forget any of my foster babies for each of them hold a special place in my heart, and that’s where they will remain forever.